I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.

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Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.

Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.


“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”


Why is everyone mad at Kim Davis? Nobody in the government does their job.


How many points do I get if I hit a Pokemon player with my car?


Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are

Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?


Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?


Me: I want you inside of me.

Him: Wow.

Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?

Him: Why are you like this?


“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)


I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying