@FunnyTunes

I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.

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@OakHill_

Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.

Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.

@ThomasSowell

“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”

@TheMichaelRock

Why is everyone mad at Kim Davis? Nobody in the government does their job.

@DaddyJew

How many points do I get if I hit a Pokemon player with my car?

@VikingBut

Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are

Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?

@XGroverX

Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?

@AshleyFrankly

Me: I want you inside of me.

Him: Wow.

Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?

Him: Why are you like this?

@SkylarGarland

“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)

@DanRegans

I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying