“I FIXED IT!”
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No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN