I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
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my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Botany good plants lately?
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it