Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
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I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Texts friend: sorry, I’m running late.
Friend: no problem, let me know when you’re on your way.
[ 6 weeks later]
Ok I’ve left.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
I’m not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn’t looking, I can turn water into Sprite.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
My son just said we live in the northern hummusphere and now I want to live in the hummusphere.