i fixed ur flag pin for u sean

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Guy: Only God can judge me.

God: Actually I made judges, too. It’s called subcontracting, look it up.


[house party]

ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?

HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?

ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?


5: Daddy, can I help?

Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job

5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.

Me: [handing over tools]


[The Cheesecake Factory]

*looking at menu*

Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.


little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths


Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”


Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.

Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.


Oh, you thought my hair twirling was flirting?
Actually, it was just me checking for split ends because you were boring the shit out of me.