@darth

i fixed ur flag pin for u sean

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@BruceForce

Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human

@Swishergirl24

I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.

@Its_Miss_Riss

Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.

@MattMcElaney

10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.

@Jen_says_nah

Texts friend: sorry, I’m running late.

Friend: no problem, let me know when you’re on your way.

[ 6 weeks later]
Ok I’ve left.

@GimmieTheHam

The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.

@Wakenbake77

I’m not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn’t looking, I can turn water into Sprite.

@50FirstTates

shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating

rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*

shaggy: this is serious she has me on video

rikrok: say it wasn’t u?

shaggy: ok i’m gonna go

@DrakeGatsby

Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October

@erichwithach

My son just said we live in the northern hummusphere and now I want to live in the hummusphere.