@darth

i fixed ur flag pin for u sean

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@UnFitz

Guy: Only God can judge me.

God: Actually I made judges, too. It’s called subcontracting, look it up.

@TheToddWilliams

[house party]

ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?

HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?

ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?

@iinkedZombie

5: Daddy, can I help?

Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job

5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.

Me: [handing over tools]

@Rollinintheseat

[The Cheesecake Factory]

*looking at menu*

Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.

@FredTaming

little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths

@Bownuggets

Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”

@causticbob

Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.

Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.

@Illiter8

Oh, you thought my hair twirling was flirting?
Actually, it was just me checking for split ends because you were boring the shit out of me.