@NutellaV

I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.

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@AimeeHelene1

Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.

@TheWidowmakerX

Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….

Got it?

Then there’s dating me.

@LizerReal

My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys

@DontTouchMyWine

My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.

@LostFelicia

Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.

@Cpin42

YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY

@SteveKoehler22

Relationship status:

Negotiating with the dog
to lease space in his flat.

@spekulation

My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.

@AntozWolf

I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.