Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
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Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Then there’s dating me.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Negotiating with the dog
to lease space in his flat.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.