I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
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My dress code is business-casualty.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
I want what they have
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.