I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.

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When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.


Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.


When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.


I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.


My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away

That’s motherhood summed up for you


The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.



1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity


GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
ME: damn


Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying

Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning

Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting


It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”