I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
You Might Also Like
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.