Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch

Me: Do you have homework?

11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?

I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.

*gets on knees and undoes your belt*

I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.

[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex

My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.

Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.

[fraud trial]

Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?

Defendant: no– they all actually exist

Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*

*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]

{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?

BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.

I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.

So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.

I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.

could’ve been anyone

For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.

Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.

A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.

Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.

do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?

mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes

kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*

What do we want?!

A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!

When do we want it?!

NOW!

always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away

[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]

‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave

I think my husband is psychic!

“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”

{from other room}
“You look great!”

If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.

Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.

Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY

“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”

I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.

Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.

All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.

Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back

[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder