@MisterBombay

I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy

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@pleatedjeans

Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president

@WhiskeyandMeds

It’s all fun and games until HR sends an email with “Your Twitter Account” in the subject line.

@david8hughes

[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought

@PinkCamoTO

H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep

@dreamthievin

People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?

@dumbbeezie

Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest