I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy

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Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president


It’s all fun and games until HR sends an email with “Your Twitter Account” in the subject line.


[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought


H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep


People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?


Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest