Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
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Like Mom always said,
“Don’t kick a gift horse in the teeth.”
*watching The Revenant*
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
knights of the ikea table
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat