@JocMaxedOut

I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”

So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.

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@Wakenbake77

Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes

@freedom2726

Like Mom always said,

“Don’t kick a gift horse in the teeth.”

@jctwritesstuff

*watching The Revenant*

*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.

@outsmartedmommy

Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.

@fro_vo

Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture

[later]

Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt

@crunchenhanced

If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.

@NotthatAdamWest

Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”

@fro_vo

Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY