I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
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October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
i made a craigslist ad !
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages