I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
You Might Also Like
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
New Tinder profile.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?