Some guy told me I wasn’t funny today, so I punched him in his face because nobody likes liars.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
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met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
The doctor told me I need to rest so I dropped the kids off at his office & now he won’t stop calling me as if that’s going to help me rest.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager