RESTAURANT WEBSITE DESIGNER: You know what your website needs?
RESTAURANT OWNER: A clear way to contact us and reserve a table?
RESTAURANT WEBSITE DESIGNER: A 3,000 word ‘our philosophy’ section.
RESTAURANT OWNER: (nodding) Let’s not even put our phone number on the website.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
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Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
maybe the sock wants to be single you don’t know
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Twitter is all fun and games until you get that text asking what that tweet was about.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*