@lynnbixenspan

I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?

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@TheMichaelRock

Some guy told me I wasn’t funny today, so I punched him in his face because nobody likes liars.

@dubstep4dads

met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏

@SavoirFail

I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs

@Alohababe2011

My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes

@Donna_McCoy

Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.

@Laser_Cat

*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*

*sets loose in back yard*

*never mows again*

@outsmartedmommy

The doctor told me I need to rest so I dropped the kids off at his office & now he won’t stop calling me as if that’s going to help me rest.

@Fickle_Filly

Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.

@ohpegah

ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager