I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?

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Some guy told me I wasn’t funny today, so I punched him in his face because nobody likes liars.


met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏


I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs


My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes


Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.


*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*

*sets loose in back yard*

*never mows again*


The doctor told me I need to rest so I dropped the kids off at his office & now he won’t stop calling me as if that’s going to help me rest.


Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.


ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager