dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
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Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17,19 etc were the years when I was in my prime.
My doctor told me exercise will add years to my life. It’s true. I just did 10 push ups and feel like i’m 80
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
HIM: So how was your OMG did you just pull a hot sauce packet out of your bra
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*squishes it with shoe*
Me: Not that one.