Are you on Twitter?
No. But if I ever join I’ll send you a friend request.
That’s how you make people believe you aren’t on Twitter.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
You Might Also Like
Bitten by a radioactive Batman, Batmanman has all the powers and abilities of a Batman.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
i’ll have a burg please [waiter looks confused] a burg. a meat frisbee. a seared bovine disc. a hamburger sandwich. a bunned beefling my man
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra