@Jake_Vig

I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.

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@CAshmanActor

dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?

@Angibangie

Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma

Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories

Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table

@behindyourback

*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?

@TheHyyyype

me: i think we should make a baby

wife: do you know how expensive babies are?

me: wait, you can buy them??

@RoastedPapad

2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17,19 etc were the years when I was in my prime.

@daplusk

My doctor told me exercise will add years to my life. It’s true. I just did 10 push ups and feel like i’m 80

@stevevsninjas

*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*

@EyeSeeYou619

[first date]
HIM: So how was your OMG did you just pull a hot sauce packet out of your bra

@UncleDuke1969

[cockroach crawls by]

Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?

*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*

Me: Not that one.