@Jake_Vig

I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.

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@mooses_mom_mar

Are you on Twitter?

No. But if I ever join I’ll send you a friend request.

That’s how you make people believe you aren’t on Twitter.

@P_o_n_k

Bitten by a radioactive Batman, Batmanman has all the powers and abilities of a Batman.

@ehchino

[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?

@truegritrumble

ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:

@rcromwell4

Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.

@gato_fumando

i’ll have a burg please [waiter looks confused] a burg. a meat frisbee. a seared bovine disc. a hamburger sandwich. a bunned beefling my man

@DanMentos

My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.

@BoomBoomBetty

If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.

@jessehawken

The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra