I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
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you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
I’ve been learning to cook.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.