I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
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My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving