I forget what I used to do with my arms before I got my iPhone.

Did I hang them down by my side?

Straight above my head?

I really forget.

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When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot


Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this


CW: I think you’re two-faced

Me: Why don’t you say that to my face

CW: I just did!

Me: No. My other face.


coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name


[art store]

You do free framing?

“With any purchase”

Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do


everyone’s always asking me ‘is your son named after the movie?’ and I’m like no idiot Sharknado’s 5 yrs old and the movie came out in 2013


[crane rental company]

Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this


Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.


Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL