My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
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If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
All is fair in drunk and war.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.