Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
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Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow