It was awkward to see the “World’s Greatest Driver” bumper sticker on my car when it got pulled out of the lake today.
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“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
In order to catch a cab, one must think like a cab first.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
The person behind Wendy’s Twitter account deserves a medal
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…