@dxnielandrew_

I. FORGOT.

I. FORGOT.

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@dksc4life

It was awkward to see the “World’s Greatest Driver” bumper sticker on my car when it got pulled out of the lake today.

@joe_binkley

“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”

“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”

@ThugRaccoons

Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet

@KentWGraham

My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.

@onion_an

Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?

Me: No

[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]

Me: But I used to be an embryo

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: Did you look in your purse?

Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!

Me:

Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…