I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
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I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”