i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
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Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?