My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
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You know you’re a bad driver when Siri tells you “after 400 feet stop and let me out”
This is always good for a laugh.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops