@marbletonemedia

I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles

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@Brianhopecomedy

My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.

@close_c

You know you’re a bad driver when Siri tells you “after 400 feet stop and let me out”

@LackOfShame

Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.

Me: You first, pal.

@TheRealDratch

Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.

@lovemydogduck

Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup

@CrisMtzgr

People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.

@DurtMcHurtt

[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]

ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.

@JediGigi

Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops