I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles

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My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.


You know you’re a bad driver when Siri tells you “after 400 feet stop and let me out”


Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.

Me: You first, pal.


Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”


Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup


People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.


[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]

ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.


Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops