"I forgot my phone, so what do u want to talk about?" … *knocks on stall wall* "Hello? Can u hear me?" … "I like your shoes…Hello?" ..

“I forgot my phone, so what do u want to talk about?”
…
*knocks on stall wall* “Hello? Can u hear me?”
…
“I like your shoes…Hello?”
..

Her: I LOVE your beard!

Me: Thanks, yours is coming in nicely, too!

Flirting with women my age is hard, guys.

Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.

[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard

I just ate so much Chinese food someone from the State Department contacted me about trade talks.

The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.

Cell phone.

Recliner.

Beer.

Not at work.

This homeless guy is living the dream from what I can tell.

Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.

What do you get when you pick a pigs nose?
Hamboogers
I know. It snot funny. I’ll go now.

What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s

If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?

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