@laurajennyjo

“I forgot my phone, so what do u want to talk about?”

*knocks on stall wall* “Hello? Can u hear me?”

“I like your shoes…Hello?”
..

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@OneyeBogey

Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.

@MichaelaOkla

Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?

@ficklenuts

I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?

Tomato: No.

@Parentpains

Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.

@cydbeer

Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.

Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.

Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.

@Diversion50

POLICE OFFICER: Your name?

MAN: The Rock.

POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?

MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.