@OneyeBogey Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
@laurajennyjo “I forgot my phone, so what do u want to talk about?”
…
*knocks on stall wall* “Hello? Can u hear me?”
…
“I like your shoes…Hello?”
..
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@OneyeBogey 
@MichaelaOkla Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
@ficklenuts I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
@JohnLyonTweets Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
@WienerToboggan What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
@Parentpains Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.
@cydbeer Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
@Diversion50 POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
@CelebrityChez “Alexa am I drunk?”
Chapstick:
@thatdutchperson *seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*