5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
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Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.