Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
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Why is this me 😫
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.