My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
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women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Me recordaron éste meme
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
I thought this was funny lol
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Me checking my bank balance online.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad