I forgot the name for a beaver the other day so I referred to them as “architect squirrels.”

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Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed

Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?

Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic


Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.


My friend wanted to cheer me up today so she’s taking me to a painting class to paint Christmas gnomes.

And now I’m more sad because I have to find a new friend.


Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.


HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school

ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*


What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.


The holidays are coming. If you do NOT want snakes please send me a notarized letter asking for NO SNAKES. Otherwise you are getting snakes.


Me: So,… tell me a little bit about yourself

Date: I’m a small fruit that grows on a tree!


Me: *lifts couch cushion*

6yo: what are you looking for?

Me: six thousand dollars