i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
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I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.