I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
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Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Just so funny
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*