@Darlainky

I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”

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@GrumpyBahr

Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!

@justabloodygame

“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.

@erica_rosie

One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.

@KalvinMacleod

[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him

@djdarrellripley

Him: Who’s The Man?!?

Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….

@jonesination

“The Ugly Duckling” has a great message.

Everything in life will work itself out once you become physically attractive.

@SortaBad

Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*

@feverboner

People say being a parent is the most rewarding job in the world, like they went out and really compared it to being a bear trainer or a magician or a murder clown.

@WildeThingy

Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*

@tastefactory

WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.