I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
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Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”