I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”

You Might Also Like


Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!


“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.


One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.


WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him


Him: Who’s The Man?!?

Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….


“The Ugly Duckling” has a great message.

Everything in life will work itself out once you become physically attractive.


Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*


People say being a parent is the most rewarding job in the world, like they went out and really compared it to being a bear trainer or a magician or a murder clown.


Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*


License and registration, please.
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.