I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
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[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.