I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
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Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
HR said no more nunchucks.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.