@Darlainky

I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.

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@rockymomax

[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?

@Jesssicle

Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.

@KaysNH

If it was Raining Men I doubt anyone’d say Hallelujah. Pretty sure people’d be screaming things like, “Augh! That guy just killed my mom!”

@MmeSurly

My favorite thing about famous people is that they can be “brave” and “daring” by just leaving the house in stupid looking clothes.

@Darlainky

They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.

@ksej

“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever

@abbycohenwl

Me: What’s your dad do?
Kid: My dad? He’s an actor
Me: Why? Couldn’t you get a real dad?

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Dr: What are some of your hobbies?

“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”

Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.

@GrabTheWEness

I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.

@joeljeffrey

I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.