I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.

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[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?


Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.


If it was Raining Men I doubt anyone’d say Hallelujah. Pretty sure people’d be screaming things like, “Augh! That guy just killed my mom!”


My favorite thing about famous people is that they can be “brave” and “daring” by just leaving the house in stupid looking clothes.


They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.


“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever


Me: What’s your dad do?
Kid: My dad? He’s an actor
Me: Why? Couldn’t you get a real dad?


Dr: What are some of your hobbies?

“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”

Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.


I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.


I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.