I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
You Might Also Like
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now