I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
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goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Worth the read.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.