I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
You Might Also Like
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies