I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
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my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.