I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
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Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺