[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
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How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on?
-asking for a friend
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Kid 1 swallows coin: rush to ER
Kid 2 swallows coin: wait for it to pass
Kid 3 swallows coin: deduct from their allowance
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
*throws up gang signs*
*never eats gang signs again*
*Account gets suspended
NOOOO!!!! MY LIFES WORK!!!!
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*