I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
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Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
what day is it?
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
This anagram machine is out of order.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
what the hell pray for carter everyone
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.