I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
You Might Also Like
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
sry
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram