@better_off_dad2

I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.

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@living_marble

It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.

@Dawn_M_

Don’t judge me because I like 80’s music. Judge me because I had a late term abortion because a baby would ruin my holiday plans.

@Book_Krazy

What do we want?

A CURE FOR PARANOIA

When do we want it?

WHO WANTS TO KNOW

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-

Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women

Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right

@HatfieldAnne

I walk in the kitchen just as you drop the pork roast on the floor. No one will know, you say. My only question is how many other times have you done this.

@awkwardphilippe

[during sex]

HER: this isn’t working out

ME: *putting sock puppet away* was it something he said?

@AmateurIdiot

If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.

@philefanaddict

The babysitter wanted $25.00 an hour this weekend, so I just bought my kid an iPad instead.