I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.

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It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.


Don’t judge me because I like 80’s music. Judge me because I had a late term abortion because a baby would ruin my holiday plans.


What do we want?


When do we want it?



Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-

Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women

Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right


I walk in the kitchen just as you drop the pork roast on the floor. No one will know, you say. My only question is how many other times have you done this.


[during sex]

HER: this isn’t working out

ME: *putting sock puppet away* was it something he said?


If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.


The babysitter wanted $25.00 an hour this weekend, so I just bought my kid an iPad instead.