It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
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Don’t judge me because I like 80’s music. Judge me because I had a late term abortion because a baby would ruin my holiday plans.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
I walk in the kitchen just as you drop the pork roast on the floor. No one will know, you say. My only question is how many other times have you done this.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: *putting sock puppet away* was it something he said?
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
The babysitter wanted $25.00 an hour this weekend, so I just bought my kid an iPad instead.