I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
You Might Also Like
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Someone should write a book where the character slowly falls in love with the reader.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up