I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
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according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Strangers have the best candy.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.