I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
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Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
me irl
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]