I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
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Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.