[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
i formally apologize to anyone who knew me when i was 13
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Can I have the definition, please?
“Please. I need this” I whisper as a 14 year old girl starts to get the better of me in an arm wrestling match.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums