i formally apologize to anyone who knew me when i was 13

You Might Also Like


[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]

Wife: what are you doing?

Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon




Can I have the definition, please?



“Please. I need this” I whisper as a 14 year old girl starts to get the better of me in an arm wrestling match.


approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes


People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save


[dinner negotiations]

Wife: where do you want to go to eat?

Me: ugh


Me: you pick

Wife: I’m craving kale

Me: I’ll pick