Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
i formally apologize to anyone who knew me when i was 13
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It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
*standing amidst the smouldering wreckage that once was my life
– a love story
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…