@pakalupapito

i formally apologize to anyone who knew me when i was 13

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@PwrFulWmn

Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.

@JiminyKicksIt

It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.

@SoVeryBritish

“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”

Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue

@Maddy_Obrien27

Hallelujah started playing at church today

Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song

Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.

@_steamy_mac

*standing amidst the smouldering wreckage that once was my life

Oopsy daisy.

@Togsbabble

My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?

Me: I’m sorry, move what?

Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?

@better_off_dad

Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.

I’m not even sorry…