@pakalupapito

i formally apologize to anyone who knew me when i was 13

You Might Also Like

@gogglepossum

[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]

Wife: what are you doing?

Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon

@T_Bonezzz_

SPELLING BEE

“Defiant”

Can I have the definition, please?

“No”

@jazmasta

“Please. I need this” I whisper as a 14 year old girl starts to get the better of me in an arm wrestling match.

@mollypriddy

approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes

@mrjohndarby

People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save

@JeffSarcastic

[dinner negotiations]

Wife: where do you want to go to eat?

Me: ugh

Wife:

Me: you pick

Wife: I’m craving kale

Me: I’ll pick