i formally apologize to anyone who knew me when i was 13

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Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.


It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.


“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”

Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue


Hallelujah started playing at church today

Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song

Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.


*standing amidst the smouldering wreckage that once was my life

Oopsy daisy.


My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.


Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?

Me: I’m sorry, move what?

Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?


Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.

I’m not even sorry…