I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
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Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
for all #parents out there
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall