Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
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Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.