I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography

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Dance like nobody’s watching you.

‘Cause they’re not.
Nobody cares.

~Inspirational tweet~


When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”

Less bleeding is good for not being dead.


This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter


5yo: knock knock
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.


im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying


Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.

You are welcome.


I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.


This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies


If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.

But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.