I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
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Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
bad news gang
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.