@Laser_Cat

I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.

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@snarkymomtobe

My toddler just told me he was going in my room, but not doing anything bad, so don’t come in here and I’m not suspicious at all

@aka_fatman

“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”

– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.

@TravLeBlanc

Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.

@shegotagronk

My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.

@StickyickyBuns

Is there an app to delete your number out of other people’s phones yet?

@IGotsSmarts

If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one