@Laser_Cat

I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.

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@hazelmotes1

Kids, you’ll never know the pain of digging the innards of a loved cassette out of a cheap stereo and crying as you wind it up with a pencil

@lincnotfound

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

@lifeisforkedup

Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please

Bank: sorry no

Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there

Bank: ok thats not really how this works

Me: omg this is daylight robbery

@PineapplePtart

Be careful, newbies. Twitter changes you. I used to be Puerto Rican, now I’m Irish.

@TheAlexNevil

Him: What’s that, Girl? Timmy fell down the well?
Lassie (sigh): Let’s go over it again: 1 bark means I’m hungry; 2 means let me outside; 3

@better_off_dad

Pro Tip:

If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.

@Cheeseboy22

If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.

@Bob_Janke

[teaching my dog to shake hands]

NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?

@Parentpains

I never knew my mechanic was a psychic until he loudly announced that I had blown a tranny in my car.