I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
You Might Also Like
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank