I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.

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Kids, you’ll never know the pain of digging the innards of a loved cassette out of a cheap stereo and crying as you wind it up with a pencil


8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*


Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please

Bank: sorry no

Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there

Bank: ok thats not really how this works

Me: omg this is daylight robbery


Be careful, newbies. Twitter changes you. I used to be Puerto Rican, now I’m Irish.


Him: What’s that, Girl? Timmy fell down the well?
Lassie (sigh): Let’s go over it again: 1 bark means I’m hungry; 2 means let me outside; 3


Pro Tip:

If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.


If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.


[teaching my dog to shake hands]

NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?


I never knew my mechanic was a psychic until he loudly announced that I had blown a tranny in my car.