– Parallel parking my time machine
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
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Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
My toddler just told me he was going in my room, but not doing anything bad, so don’t come in here and I’m not suspicious at all
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan: Give it back…
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Is there an app to delete your number out of other people’s phones yet?
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one