Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.

If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.

“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe

Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel

In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.

My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life

No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.

We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch

DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?

ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right

The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize

Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back

Me, at the back: rude

Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*

8: where are my M&Ms?

Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?

8: the ones from grandma

Me: what grandma?

8: my grandma

Me: is she though?

8: I don’t understand

Me: well go to your room and think about it

8:

Me:

8: *walks off*

Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*

Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.

Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.

In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.

My mind: Age is just a number!

My lower back: Lolololololol

Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher

I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…

Me, homeschooling:

If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?

Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind

Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages

me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs

proctologist: how many are in here

One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.

Laundry is racist!!

Must separate the whites from the colors!!

No delicates allowed?

Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!

[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol

The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.

If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.

I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.

“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets