I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
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me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
[on my way back to the posting caves]
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”