I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
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I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
fr
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Oh. My. God.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.