Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
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I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?