@_steamy_mac

I found a comb on the street today, so long story short, I’ll be trying lots and lots of new hairstyles tonight.

You Might Also Like

@jwoodham

What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.

@geowizzacist

Waiter: And what would you like sir?

Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.

Entire restaurant: *gasps*

@capricecrane

Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”

@HomeWithPeanut

New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?

Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.

New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?

Me: So far? 4 years.

@Adam14

I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.

– people with the right amount of body parts

@AndyAsAdjective

the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on

@lilpwoppa

How come they only do that moustache oil for men? Sexism.

@HatfieldAnne

Thank you Internet stranger for your honorable proposal of marriage. My folks are so excited. They’re asking for Thanksgiving and Easter.

@LeahTiscione

Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever

@AudreyPorne

Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*