@_steamy_mac

I found a comb on the street today, so long story short, I’ll be trying lots and lots of new hairstyles tonight.

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@SortaBad

HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s

[takes tylenol and goes about the day]

HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s

[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim

@liv_thatsme

Me: Saw your bf today

“Where?”

M: What’s the name of that gym next door to the gay bar?

“Golds?”

M: Yeah, in the gay bar next to Golds

@IvankaTrump

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

@KentWGraham

I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.

@SortaBad

Tip for teens:

If you’re buying booze with a fake ID, the easiest way to seem legitimately older is to wear a wedding ring

@bazecraze

Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.

@kwirkyKerri

You don’t need to threaten me into submission. Just hold some cheesecake under my nose.