HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
I found a comb on the street today, so long story short, I’ll be trying lots and lots of new hairstyles tonight.
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Me: Saw your bf today
M: What’s the name of that gym next door to the gay bar?
M: Yeah, in the gay bar next to Golds
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
All is fair in drunk and war.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Tip for teens:
If you’re buying booze with a fake ID, the easiest way to seem legitimately older is to wear a wedding ring
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
You don’t need to threaten me into submission. Just hold some cheesecake under my nose.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police