I found a comb on the street today, so long story short, I’ll be trying lots and lots of new hairstyles tonight.

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[takes tylenol and goes about the day]


[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim


Me: Saw your bf today


M: What’s the name of that gym next door to the gay bar?


M: Yeah, in the gay bar next to Golds


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”


I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.


Tip for teens:

If you’re buying booze with a fake ID, the easiest way to seem legitimately older is to wear a wedding ring


Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.


You don’t need to threaten me into submission. Just hold some cheesecake under my nose.